Diana's Blog

It's weird to me, how it's alternately hard/easy to talk about it this time. We've lost another baby, which happens...but while it's happening, boy does it hurt. It was somewhat like last time, no heartbeat at the 9-10 week ultrasound. It apparently had happened recently, a loss of blood flow to the fetus.

The first thing we want to ask is, Why?? Why no miscarriage, again? No warning signs even, this time. It seems my body will do anything to hold on to the idea of a baby! We're having some tests done, but I don't necessarily expect answers. At least, it could out-rule some causes; though we may be left assuming that it was just a case of odds, and muster the guts to try again anyway. ...Which I would do, because humans are that way - remarkably resilient, and having strong drives.

It just hurts. --And anyone who has been through it knows it adds stress to a relationship and to a bank account. --And I really feel the modern lack of community - i.e., no-one just to talk or cry to for an hour, live, at short notice. My family does their best via phone, and friends are sympathetic. Everyone' just busy, including us! It's strange though, when you have a couple of forced rest days and need to grieve, and the immediate world's schedule has no space for that.

I know I'm lucky to have Greg, and even have this opportunity to try for kids. But right now, I'm sad, and I miss that little nugget.

I know this is a very personal topic, but I feel like writing about it, and sharing it is helpful to me and possibly to others!

Greg and I were ecstatic to find out several weeks ago that I was pregnant. We were cautiously excited, knowing it was early... But by nine weeks, we started to get more excited. It's impossible not to talk about names, start some mental planning at least, and see if you can sense what gender it might be.

Being pregnant, I was tired, bloated, and hormonally charged, but I had relatively smooth sailing - only occasional nausea (no appetite problems!), no pain, ability to exercise regularly, etc. The pregnancy happened early and with ease - this was fantastic news! And, I felt so happy and excited; it's hard to express to what magnitude. The last thing I expected last week was to find out (via ultrasound) that the fetus hadn't made it.

Because my body seemed to want to hold on tight, I had to have a D&C yesterday. Everything went smoothly, and I'm recovering well - I just have to wait a bit to return to my "normal" activity level, which involves 3-hour bike rides and trail runs in the heat of the day. The best word to describe it is "empty."

Greg is so sad. It seems like he hasn't had the proper time to grieve, being the sole developer at a startup software company. It seems like a surf vacation would be the ideal thing of the moment, except that I can't be in the water for a little while. This will pass and we'll move on, but we'll also never forget this experience. I was thinking of planting a flower or fruit tree in the yard, as an honorary gesture of life, which really is a miracle.