Sunday's run was just under 15 miles on trail (my favorite way to run - and with no repeat loops, if possible!). It was a near-perfect run day, blue skies, light wind, clear, relatively quiet trails. The heat in the Rancho Santa Fe portion was balanced by the mild breeziness of the San Elijo Lagoon; I didn't even need extra electrolytes.

Most significantly, in the last couple miles when my current endurance (not solid, as a result of this year's inconsistent training and health experimentation) was stretched, instead of feeling mentally flat and just going through the motions, I felt a mental spark - a bit of drive! It was a familiar sensation that I haven't had in quite awhile...and it made me appreciate being alive. Months of continuing to go through motions even though I'd long ago passed some burnout set point had killed that drive; what a welcome surprise, to feel it again, even if just for a moment.

Today I'm sick again. I have this hate-hate relationship with being sick. Sick = can't do things, but also can't feel at peace just sitting or being, b/c you feel so crappy. The only welcome activity is sleep, but I never seem to be able to stay asleep when the sun's doing its job. (Even if the shades are closed, my brain knows it's time to be outside!) I've been sick way more than any one person's fair share - probably due to having an autoimmune condition. But that doesn't mean I like being sick, or that I deal with it well. Oh, I try...I have 1,000,001 ways to exist without feeling too parasitic while being sick.

I know we already spend the majority of our mental time in the past or the future; but when your present moment feels terrible, what's so bad about that? I think it can actually be a useful tool. I remember Sunday's run, when I felt able and somewhat strong, lucky to be alive and mobile. Then I remember that I never stay sick forever; at least, not since the uber-long bout with chronic fatigue in my 20's (which felt like forever squared). Do you think those guys at Alcatraz survived by staying in their present moment, focusing on the cold, hard surroundings? Wouldn't planning an escape, bit by bit each day, be a much preferable and likely way to survive?

I just passed the CPT exam, which means I'm certified as a personal trainer. I'm excited to look for work options, and to be training my roommate...but I guess that once again, I'll have to learn patience with the pace my body is setting right now. For a person inclined toward overanalysis (i.e., thinking TOO MUCH) who often finds that more action, less talk is a more productive paradigm, it's hard to sit still with a whirling mind...  I would so much rather be doing things than thinking about what I want to do!