...Or maybe it was always thick, just obscured by too many variables. Suddenly I'm in 2011, having thought I'd kicked the chronic fatigue years ago for the most part, but facing a new, particularly demonic form of it! It's the same as always, cyclic energy "crashes," only since my 8th miscarriage in January the crash time is greater than the up time, and I don't seem to bounce back up to sea level in between.

The first time I got pregnant, it happened so easily and I was able to do so much normal stuff that I was surprised. I'd long feared that my history with fatigue, psoriasis and GI issues might preclude any possibility of pregnancy. Wow, something was coming easily to me, a new and unfamiliar gift!

Two years and those 8 miscarriages later, I'm afraid again. We know I can get pregnant, and everyone loves to say that that's the toughest battle...  In a recent infertility support group meeting, another member commented that she felt envious of people who'd had miscarriages -- because she could never even get pregnant. I really felt for her. After each of my losses though, I've felt like there was no "greener grass"; miscarriage or infertility, it all amounts to no baby. Each one comes with its own agonies.

So I'm wondering if my body, genetically or whatever, is perhaps not suited for pregnancy. It tries really hard, and it seems to know what to do; that plus my burning, inescapable desire for our child keeps me hopeful. I'm in a lull, an intermediary quest where I seek the root causes of my fatigue.

...And what about my beautiful sister? Her strong body is slowly breaking down as she sinks further into a mire of life stresses... Will she ultimately be able to connect with a partner and create some kind of family of her own? I long for this for her.

I know some things already:

• I have macrocytic anemia (enlarged red blood cells), but it's mysterious because no doctor has yet been able to identify the reason or the treatment;
• My progesterone level, neurotransmitter levels, blood pressure, body temperatures, an overall energy have been very low. Body temps are up a little in the last month, with acupuncture and more rest;
• Iron, B vitamins, homocysteine, etc. levels all look OK in blood tests;
• Fertility- and anatomy-wise, Greg and I both look great, despite our ages.

Next week I see one of two hematologists - this might reveal more about the anemia. Greg and I also get genetic testing, to see if we have realistic hopes of becoming genetic parents. Somehow I suspect this isn't the problem - but then, things are rarely as you expect them to be. And, I'll consult with another expert in digestive and hormonal health. (...Not that I haven't explored digestion before, at great length and with many western and holistic health practitioners; it's just that no-one has identified and treated the root problem there either.)

Maybe I could have a big transfusion - of healthy red blood, even a fecal transplant (have you heard of that?? They do it in Australia for patients in need!), maybe a little extra oxygen to top it all off. My external body seems healthy and strong; why not just do a "refresh" of the internal stuff? I know it's not that simple, and that's the catch.

So I sit in my little boat, navigating dark waters through which I can't see the bottom, and there's no sight of land or destination just yet. Will we be able to have babies? Will I even get healthy enough again to adopt babies if not? I feel intuitively that it's possible for me to be balanced and healthy. It's just not simple or easy to get there, given the tunnel-visioned and profit-centric nature of our healthcare system; and I see a lot more work for me on the road ahead.